Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
