Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
