So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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