before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
