Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
