dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
