I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
