I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
