I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just took my morning after pill in the library
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
