I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
