I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I intend to get homeless drunk
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
