Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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