If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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