Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
