Yo dont text me then not text me
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
