She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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