Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
