dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You are the jesus of drinking
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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