I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
