Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
