how can u be prego again
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
