She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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