Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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