This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
