Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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