the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
