How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
