I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
