i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
