We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
