careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
