Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
