U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He passed out mid-signature
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
