sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
