So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
