I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
