speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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