Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
