Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
