Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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