i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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