Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
