peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
