i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
