Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
