he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
