i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
