She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
