My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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