I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
