I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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