I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
