my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
