Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
