Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
