I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
